i made a mistake last week, sorry

I wrote that whole “what is the point of this year long challenge of mine” post last week and within a few hours of it going live I realized it was all wrong.

I came to conclusions, it felt tidy, it sounded reasonable more or less… but no. The happiness thing? I guess… not?

Quick recap:

• I am doing this year long challenge this year where I am trying something new each month
• A few months in I find myself wondering, why am I doing this? What is the point of all this? This is a fair amount of effort… shouldn’t there be a point?
• I come to think that perhaps this is my very own personal Happiness Project
• I am feeling pretty solid about this conclusion and share it with you all…
• … and then I am promptly not feeling at all solid about this conclusion.

You’re all caught up.

Am I happy?

I think I am happy. I am happy mostly, I think. Sometimes I am really happy and contented. I think that pursuing happiness is an endeavour worth exploring… but I think I am a few degrees away from a year long trek towards that goal.

I don’t think I’m ready to make that my daily focus, is what I mean.

Like, if you imagine a line and on one end is misery and on other is the most complete joyful happiness, and you had to earn your stripes to make your way from one end to the other I feel like I don’t quite have my “Let’s Focus on Being Happy Everyday” badge quite yet. I feel like I have some (lots of!) learning to go yet.

Of course, happiness isn’t a stage and any state of being can fall at our feet at any time… but hear me out on this:

After I wrote a whole post basically saying, “I am trying to be happy. Or happier. Or something…” I started looking more closely at everything through that lens.

Did the angel card reading make me happier? (well, I enjoyed it, but I don’t think it nudged in any direction permanently…)

Did eating that chocolate-y DQ Blizzard make me happy? (not really, but it was definitely fun treating my son and sharing in his excitement…)

Does it feel like my daily pursuit is one of seeking happiness around every corner?

I mean, I don’t actively try to avoid happiness by any stretch, I’m not a masochist, but I can’t say I’m running (or skipping) around trying to be happier.

So what am I doing?

When I was a kid every time the teacher called on me in class my stomach would drop and I would wait for the burn. Unfortunately, I didn’t have to wait very long. I would feel my ears start to go pink, and then the outer circles of my cheeks and patches down my neck would burn up like land being cleared for planting. All the while my ears, not to be outdone, continued to get redder and redder until it felt like the tips of my ears had been stung by inexplicably furious wasps and my ears were now flaming weapons preparing to burn the whole school down… because my teacher had asked me what the capital of Ontario was.

Torture.

“Calm, cool, coooooool, you’re comfortable, this is no big deal…” I would silently coach myself/my ears to no avail.

I think that is what I am doing.

Ever since I can remember I think I’ve been trying to be okay. To be calm, to be secure… maybe even to be “normal.” To not freak out to the point where it feels like an important and appreciated part of my body is going to spontaneously combust.

I want to feel comfortable in my skin.

I want to spend more of my time feeling comfortable in my own skin.

I think this pursuit fits where I am right now a bit better. A lot better.

To be more specific:

I want to know what it feels like to just be, more of the time. I want to feel comfortable in my body. I want to feel comfortable in my choices. I want to know what it feels like to feel at ease, in body, mind and spirit.

That sounds like it would be heaven, really.

Are there people like that? How do they get like that? Are they just born that way? Is it a practice thing? Or a choice thing? Or a maturity thing? Or maybe a life experience thing?

Okay, this is feeling like it fits.

I might change it all tomorrow, mind you, but right now it feels like we might be on to something…

Maybe feeling comfortable in my skin is my thing…

P.S.: My “thing” for April is going to be horseback riding because that is something my daughter is into and I want to better appreciate what she does. Stay tuned!

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I am conducting an experiment: I have challenged myself to try something new each month in 2022. Here are my (self imposed) rules. Let me know if you have ideas on fun/ interesting/ novel things I could try in the comments. Or join me, that would be even more lovely actually…